hannaH and i.
we went to the rodeo.
we looked real good. in our boots and wranglers.

but were miserable. so very miserable.
we were not cut out to be cowgirls.
but you'd never know.

when i get home.

i.
i want to fly.
i want to fly away.
i want to soar.
i want to soar above the clouds.
i.
i want to sing.
i want to sing a song.
i want to belt.
i want to belt a ballad for you.
i.
i want to be.
i want to be with you.
i want to hear.
i want to hear you sing.
i.
i want to feel.
i want to feel you around me.
i want to touch.
i want to touch your face.
i.
i will fly.
i will soar.
i will sing.
i will belt.
i will feel.
i will touch.

when i get home.
when you come home.
please. come home. to me.

tell me why.

why do the most unforunate things happen to the least deserving people?
why does he have to leave his wife and two boys behind? why do his little boys have to grow up without their father? why did it come back? why was it more aggressive? why did they tell him he was cured?
why did her baby have to leave this earth so soon? why did they not get a chance to meet him? why does he have to remain an only child? why did she have to be left feeling so empty?
why did he have to leave? why did his family have to suffer? why wasn't i in that car with them? why does it seem like he is still here, even though it has almost been a year?
why do i have so much, and they have so little? why do i have an education i take for grantid, and they have none, but want it more than anything? why do i have immunizations, shots, and pills, when they don't have clean water?
why did he walk out on his family for something "better"? why does she have to be the one that is hurting? why can't he see what he did wrong?
why can't the world be a brighter place? with no pain, sorrow, or suffering?
why can't we all change, the past, present, and future?

because.

do you want to know a secret.

my heart is far away from me.
i wish it was here with me.

to avoid feeling numb,
i sent it away.
will you keep it close?
will you keep it safe?

i got something in return.
it was your heart.
your feelings, your understanding.
i will keep it close.
i will keep it safe.

and when you return
we will make the exchange.
and perhaps sew the hearts together.
to avoid feeling numb.

birthday.

her name is lucy. she is brand new. she was born at 7:19 on wednesday may 21.
sometimes it is hard to believe how much a baby can change things. she is the 9th grandchild and my 6th niece. each time a new baby comes into my family i get this reassuring feeling that there must be something greater. there has to be someone watching out for all of us and sending this innocent little people into our lives. each time i see that brand new little baby, with those tiny fingers and toes, i can't help but think that they have a whole life ahead of them. that i am going to be a part of it and i need to be an example to them. each time i see a brand new little baby, i want to be a little bit better, stand a little taller, and become a little wiser. so that i can be the aunt that i want to be. this little girl, she turned my world upside down.

help!

the call. written by regina spektor before i could find the words. my thoughts. my feelings. my life. her words.

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and now one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

i will.

in no order in particular.

1. walk on the great wall of china.
2. go to the mount of olives.
3. take hundreds of photos of my family.
4. find something i am truly passionate about.
5. sew something amazing.
6. live outside of the united states.
7. be in four places at once.
8. become a mother.
9. be a better sister, daughter, aunt, and friend.
10. learn how to play an instrument.
11. sing in front of a croud.
12. make him laugh so hard he cries.
13. find out more about my family's history.
14. write a book. even if it's only for myself.
15. make my family proud of me.
16. dance in the rain. for real.
17. blow up one of my own photos large enough to cover an entire wall.
18. give more to those in need.
19. be loved unconditionally.
20. ride a tandem bike down a windy road that leads to a picnic and the rest of my life.
21. witness a child being born.
22. be asked how we met.
23. learn how to express myself and how i am really feeling when i am feeling it.
24. go to the oprah show.
25. skinny dip in the ocean.
26. get into a paint fight with my one and only while painting the rooms in the house we will start our family in.
27. fill my own house with love.
28. read the good book multiple times each year.
29. learn how to cook something amazing.
30. make a giant igloo and sleep in it.
31. donate my hair.
32. have a huge jewelery collection to leave for my daughters.
33. never go to bed angry.
34. sing on stage with my husband.
35. be funny.
36. sing my children to sleep and comfort them when they are scared.
37. have a collection of love letters from my husband for my children to read.
38. change someones life. and never know about it.
39. be a beautiful old person.
40. kiss on the top of the eiffel tower.
41. be in the right place at the right time.
42. be someones motivation for doing something extraordinary.
43. see the northern lights.
44. swim in the great barier reef.
45. change my last name.

to be continued. with things bigger and better.