birthday.

her name is lucy. she is brand new. she was born at 7:19 on wednesday may 21.
sometimes it is hard to believe how much a baby can change things. she is the 9th grandchild and my 6th niece. each time a new baby comes into my family i get this reassuring feeling that there must be something greater. there has to be someone watching out for all of us and sending this innocent little people into our lives. each time i see that brand new little baby, with those tiny fingers and toes, i can't help but think that they have a whole life ahead of them. that i am going to be a part of it and i need to be an example to them. each time i see a brand new little baby, i want to be a little bit better, stand a little taller, and become a little wiser. so that i can be the aunt that i want to be. this little girl, she turned my world upside down.

help!

the call. written by regina spektor before i could find the words. my thoughts. my feelings. my life. her words.

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and now one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

i will.

in no order in particular.

1. walk on the great wall of china.
2. go to the mount of olives.
3. take hundreds of photos of my family.
4. find something i am truly passionate about.
5. sew something amazing.
6. live outside of the united states.
7. be in four places at once.
8. become a mother.
9. be a better sister, daughter, aunt, and friend.
10. learn how to play an instrument.
11. sing in front of a croud.
12. make him laugh so hard he cries.
13. find out more about my family's history.
14. write a book. even if it's only for myself.
15. make my family proud of me.
16. dance in the rain. for real.
17. blow up one of my own photos large enough to cover an entire wall.
18. give more to those in need.
19. be loved unconditionally.
20. ride a tandem bike down a windy road that leads to a picnic and the rest of my life.
21. witness a child being born.
22. be asked how we met.
23. learn how to express myself and how i am really feeling when i am feeling it.
24. go to the oprah show.
25. skinny dip in the ocean.
26. get into a paint fight with my one and only while painting the rooms in the house we will start our family in.
27. fill my own house with love.
28. read the good book multiple times each year.
29. learn how to cook something amazing.
30. make a giant igloo and sleep in it.
31. donate my hair.
32. have a huge jewelery collection to leave for my daughters.
33. never go to bed angry.
34. sing on stage with my husband.
35. be funny.
36. sing my children to sleep and comfort them when they are scared.
37. have a collection of love letters from my husband for my children to read.
38. change someones life. and never know about it.
39. be a beautiful old person.
40. kiss on the top of the eiffel tower.
41. be in the right place at the right time.
42. be someones motivation for doing something extraordinary.
43. see the northern lights.
44. swim in the great barier reef.
45. change my last name.

to be continued. with things bigger and better.

yes it is.

the outline for this was stolen from the blog of one ms. tiffani herpel. she is my buckaroo.

3 joys

1. my family.
2. my seven greatest wonders.
3. my life.

3 Fears

1. to miss out.
2. to lose.
3. to regret.

3 Goals

1. go to china.
2. get a degree.
3. change my last name.

3 Obsessions/Collections

1. letters. writing and receiving.
2. vintage dresses. from di.
3. writing.

3 Random Facts About Me

1. i brush my teeth in the shower. all the time. and just let the toothpaste go all over.
2. i mail a letter to canada every tuesday. today it cost me 96 cents. i feel i'm going to be poor when two years is over.
3. i have a really big bed. if you ever want to come sleep in it just let me know.

here, there and everywhere.

i talked on the phone, for longer than i should have. i should have let him go. and not talked for so long. but i couldn't say goodbye. at least not yet. it wasn't time. and really, it wasn't goodbye. i have already said goodbye. this was just a "talk to you later." because i will. talk to him later. and then later after that, and after that, he will be here. next to me. and there will be no need to say goodbye.
there are times when i wish he was here with me. but i know he is where he should be. i know he is doing what he should be doing. and more importantly, he is where the Lord needs him to be. there are days and years and decades to come. but these two years he is away are not about him, or me, or his family. they are about the Lord, and His people. i don't know how i got so lucky to have a man like him in my life. i have been blessed beyond imagination.
it was better than i had imagined it would be. i was so nervous, but as soon as i picked up the phone and heard him say my name, i knew there was no reason to be.
we talked about everything that came into our minds. even the things that are complete nonsense and don't have any importance at all. but every moment was something i will never forget. to hear him talk and know that he is the same person that i said goodbye to four and a half months ago. to know that he is going to be the same person when he comes back. just a little bit wiser and little bit older.
it was so refreshing. to hear his voice and to hear his laughter. he is changing. not only the lives of the people he meets, but he is growing up. and i am here, trying to grow up, and not having any real affect on anyone. i want to be a person that changes lives. that feels a change and sees a change come about because of my example. it is a truly extraordinary thing, and beyond rewarding. to give someone the gift of eternal life. that, is truly remarkable.
he is a blessing. not only to me, but to so many other people. he is hundreds of miles away. but really, he is here, with me. i can feel him. he is here. he is there. he is everywhere. he laughed when i laughed. he smiled when i smiled. he knows how i feel. i know how he feels. and together we are going to conquer the world.

i'm so tired.

it's sunday morning and i'm sitting in my bed thinking about the previous night and the dreams that went with him. i sit here looking at pictures of a man that is so far away, but so close to me at the same time. i sit here listening to hannah breath deeply as she sleeps next to me. i don't want to wake her with my typing. i sit here wondering if it is warm outside or if it is winter again. i await getting reading for the day and traveling southward for the blessing of the newest member of my family, little baby norah. i sit here thinking about how quickly time is passing and wondering where i'll be at the end of all of it.
i sit here thinking that in a week i will be talking to someone i love after almost four months of waiting. i sit here thinking that i need to change things up, i need to get a new frame, take some more pictures, and decorate the bare white walls that surround me. i sit here thinking about all the good times that go along with the few pictures that decorate the walls. high school was the best time of my life and with the best friends i could have asked for. but what comes next? surely there is so much more. i have so much to look forward to and so much that is yet to happen. i sit here thinking about all the is so come and the experiences i am going to have.
i sit here thinking about how much i have grown in the past two years and how much i will change in the next two. will i be better? or will i be the same? i hope to be: better, stronger, faster, friendlier, smarter, funnier, brighter, prettier, deeper, happier, wiser, more spiritual, more exciting, more kind, more understanding, more outgoing, more carefree, more spontaneous, more of an example, etc...etc.
i sit here thinking that i want to be so much, and even the smallest amount of change can make a world of a difference, so what is keeping me from changing?
fear? yes. no. maybe.
it doesn't matter, really. i just need to get over whatever it is, or could be, that is keeping me from becoming who i want to be.
this is the start of a new and better me.