a day in the life.

rees family photos.

fixing a hole.

breathtaking views of moab.

i'll get you.

we are cats.





hear us rawr.

paperback writer.

list of eight.

8 TV shows I love to watch:

1. the office.
2. girlmore girls.
3. seinfeld.
4. america's next top model.
5. LOST.
6. america's funniest home videos.
7. arrested development.
8. ellen.

8 things that happened yesterday:

1. i woke up.
2. i said goodbye to my sister and her family.
3. taught primary.
4. ate potroast for dinner at hannah's house.
5. made cookie dough.
6. emailed mason.
7. hung out with my family.
8. thought about what i want to do with my life and where i want it to go.

8 favorite places to eat:

1. hannah's house.
2. natalie's house.
3. my house.
4. gandolfo's.
5. wingers.
6. the cheesecake factory.
7. the porter residence.
8. in the mountains.

8 things I am looking forward to:

1. moving to china.
2. the future.
3. finding out who i am.
4. letters.
5. thanksgiving.
6. the day after thanksgiving.
7. christmas.
8. not having to go to work.

8 things on my wish list:

1. i wish i took more pictures.
2. i wish i was closer to my family.
3. to be married to the one i love most.
4. i wish i could make everyone happy.
5. i wish i had enough money.
6. to have a job arranged for when i return from china.
7. i wish i was in china.
8. i wish i didn't have to wake up so early.

8 concerts I would love to go to:


1. fight!
2. broken social scene.
3. radiohead.
4. the new pornographers.
5. the beatles.
6. band of horses.
7. arcade fire.
8. bright eyes.

8 places I'd like to visit:

1. canada.
2. paris.
3. jerusalem.
4. london.
5. rome.
6. australia.
7. samoa.
8. switzerland.

8 favorite movies:

1. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
2. everything is illuminated.
3. lars and the real girl.
4. while you were sleeping.
5. pocahontas.
6. waiting for guffman.
7. juno.
8. the fountain.

act naturally.

i am moving here:



in two months.

you can't do that.

Copy and paste, then highlight the ones you've done.The idea is to highlight the things you have done out of the 200 items on the list to show everyone another side of you. ENJOY!

1. Touched an iceberg
2. Slept under the stars
3. Been a part of a hockey fight
4. Changed a baby's diaper
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Swam with wild dolphins
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a tarantula
10. Said "I love you" and meant it
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
20. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Bet on a winning horse
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Taken an ice cold bath
28. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Ridden a roller coaster
31. Hit a home run
32. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
33. Adopted an accent for fun
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Felt very happy about your life, even for just a moment
36. Loved your job 90% of the time
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Watched wild whales
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Gone on a midnight walk on the beach
41. Gone sky diving
42. Visited Ireland
43. Ever bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited India
45. Bench-pressed your own weight
46. Milked a cow
47. Alphabetized your personal files
48. Ever worn a superhero costume
49. Sung karaoke
50. Lounged around in bed all day
51. Gone scuba diving
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Done something you should regret, but don't
56. Visited the Great Wall of China---soon enough
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Been in a movie
60. Gone without food for 3 days
61. Made cookies from scratch
62. Won first prize in a costume contest
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Been in a combat zone
65. Spoken more than one language fluently
66. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone - verbal not physical
67. Bounced a check
68. Read - and understood - your credit report
69. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
70. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
71. Called or written your Congress person
72. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
73. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
74. Helped an animal give birth
75. Been fired or laid off from a job
76. Won money
77. Broken a bone
78. Ridden a motorcycle
79. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
80. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
81. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
82. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
83. Eaten sushi
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read The Bible cover to cover
86. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
87. Gotten someone fired for their actions
88. Gone back to school
89. Changed your name
90. Caught a fly in the air with your bare hands
91. Eaten fried green tomatoes
92. Read The Iliad
93. Taught yourself an art from scratch
94. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
95. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
96. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
97.Been elected to public office
98. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
99. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
100. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
101. Had a booth at a street fair
102. Dyed your hair
103. Been a DJ
104. Rocked a baby to sleep
105. Ever dropped a cat from a high place to see if it really lands on all four
106. Raked your carpet
107. Brought out the best in people
108. Brought out the worst in people
109. Worn a mood ring
110. Ridden a horse
111. Carved an animal from a piece of wood or bar of soap
112. Cooked a dish where four people asked for the recipe.
113. Buried a child
114. Gone to a Broadway (or equivalent to your country) play
115. Been inside the pyramids
116. Shot a basketball into a basket
117. Danced at a disco
118. Played in a band
119. Shot a bird
120. Gone to an arboretum
121. Tutored someone
122. Ridden a train
123. Brought an old fad back into style
124. Eaten caviar
125. Let a salesman talk you into something you didn't need
126. Ridden a giraffe or elephant
127. Published a book
128. Pieced a quilt
129. Lived in a historic place
130. Acted in a play or performed on a stage
131. Asked for a raise
132. Made a hole-in-one
133. Gone deep sea fishing
134. Gone roller skating
135. Ran a marathon
136. Learned to surf
137. Invented something
138. Flown first class
139. Spent the night in a 5-star luxury suite
140. Flown in a helicopter
141. Visited Africa
142. Sang a solo
143. Gone spelunking
144. Learned how to take a compliment
145. Written a love-story
146. Seen Michelangelo's David
147. Had your portrait painted
148. Written a fan letter
149. Spent the night in something haunted
150. Owned a St. Bernard or Great Dane
151. Ran away
152. Learned to juggle
153. Been a boss
154. Sat on a jury
155. Lied about your weight
156. Gone on a diet
157. Found an arrowhead or a gold nugget
158. Written a poem
159. Carried your lunch in a lunch box
160. Gotten food poisoning
161. Gone on a service, humanitarian or religious mission
162. Hiked the Grand Canyon
163. Sat on a park bench and fed the ducks
164. Gone to the opera
165. Gotten a letter from someone famous
166. Worn knickers
167. Ridden in a limousine
168. Attended the Olympics
169. Can hula or waltz
170. Read a half dozen Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys books
171. Been stuck in an elevator
172. Had a revelatory dream
173. Thought you might crash in an airplane
174. Had a song dedicated to you on the radio or at a concert
175. Saved someone's life
176. Eaten raw whale
177. Know how to tat, smock or do needlepoint
178. Laughed till your side hurt
179. Straddled the equator
180. Taken a photograph of something other than people that is worth framing
181. Gone to a Shakespeare Festival
182. Sent a message in a bottle
183. Spent the night in a hostel
184. Been a cashier
185. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
186. Joined a union
187. Donated blood or plasma
188. Built a camp fire
189. Kept a blog
190. Had hives
191. Worn custom made shoes or boots
192. Made a PowerPoint presentation
193. Taken a Hunter's Safety Course
194. Served at a soup kitchen
195. Conquered the Rubik's cube
196. Know CPR
197. Ridden in or owned a convertible
198. Found a long lost friend
199. Helped solve a crime
200. Responded to a NJP newsletter

honey pie.

this is one of my favorite photos.
my neice madilyn. and her big blue eyes.

little child.

baby's in black.

interview.

on the twenty second i turned twenty years old. i am twenty years old. really? me, 20? that is so weird to say. i never thought i would be saying that i am twenty. yes, to some that is hardly old at all. and to be honest i don't think it is that old either, but going from nineteen to twenty seems like a much bigger step than all the other previous teen birthdays. it's like when parents start saying that there kid is two instead of 24 months. it is the same age, it just sounds so much older.
i am the only girl in my family that has not been married by the time i am nineteen. and to be honest, it feels good. it feels good to know that i am different, not that i am seeking to be different. but i am good at being different. to going against the crowd. i don't feel in a rush to get things done. i am just going to take things slow. live each moment as it comes and try not to get lost in the hustle and bustle of things.
i have lived for twenty years. twenty years of memories. of laughs. of love. of learning from my mistakes. twenty years of not knowing what i really want and then finding out what it is at the exact time that i need to. twenty years of doing the right thing and the wrong thing, just to be doing something. twenty years of waking up every morning and not knowing what the day is going to bring. twenty years of having the love of my family and friends surround me.
i am twenty. and i am so lucky.

revolution.

this is me. take it or leave it.
1. i like my name. yes. there are ten million "lindsey's" out there, but more than half of them are spelled wrong.
2. my family is the most important thing in my life. even though i may not show it all the time.
3. i am allergic to a lot of things. i.e. watermelon, peas, bananas, carrots...etc...etc.
4. is an angry number. ask hannah.
5. i have way too many clothes that i don't wear. i always think i should donate them. but i would end up buying them again just to not wear them again.
6. my collection of vintage dresses is really impressive. i'll show you. just ask.
7. waking up early is my nemesis. no one should be awake at 5:00am.
8. i wear a locket around my neck. everyday. all day. from the moment i wake up, til the moment i go to sleep. enclosed is the person closest to my heart.
9. somedays i wish it was 2010. like today.
10. i love to read, however; i don't have a lot of time to do so, seeing as how i have to wake up at 5:00am as previously stated.
11. i hate that keeping in touch with friends from high school means that dinner and lunch dates have to be set. what ever happened to showing up with out an appointment?
12. saving money is the hardest thing in the world for me. unless i never see it.
13. my 28 year old sister and i look like twins. if you don't know us. but if you know us and still think we look like twins you are completely ridiculous.
14. i am currently without a radio in my car. but that doesn't stop me from singing. loudly.
15. i think rain is the most beautiful and refreshing form of moisture mother nature blesses us with.
16. someday i am going to write a book. there may only be one copy. but there will be a book. a hardcover.
17. i plan on learning how to play an instrument. i just don't know when.
18. recently i realized that i am now old enough to say "that was 10 (or however many) years ago," and remember every minute detail about what happened.
19. i am terrible at making plans.
20. remembering things is not my strongest trait.
21. i make a wish at 11:11. everytime.
22. my favorite number.
23. shoes are my favorite item of clothing
24. one of my favorite things to do is people watch. especially at theme parks. so much trash. so much trash.
25. for some reason my toe nails are always painted pink. it never occurs to me to paint them a different color.
26. i don't have a favorite color. i would choose certain colors over others, but as for a favorite, i pass.
27. i have been blessed with having one of the greatest friends in the world. her name is hannah walker. if you don't know her, you should.
28. i have a passion for photography. i love the idea of capturing something that you can live over and over again. that the single moment that picture was taken is the only evidence of it.
29. sometimes i think my life is like "the truman show" that everything is being filmed and everything is fake. then i get freaked out and watch my back.
30. i only have one true enemy. her name is emeigh (pronounced amy) and i worked with her. saying her name makes my blood boil.
31. sometimes i wish i didn't know how to drive. just so i could get that rush when you push the gas for the first time.
32. i love cereal. somedays i eat it all three meals. cocoa pebbles might be my favorite.
33. fireworks are my favorite part of summer. i love the smell. the sound. the view. everything.
34. beginning january 2009 i am going to live in china. however; i am not made in china.
35. i have aunts, uncles and cousins that i have never met before.
36. i hate animals. sure i will look at them, but touch them or own one...completely out of the question.
37. alarm clocks are the best and worst invention. great that they wake you up on time. but why that sound? why?
38. i would choose being hot over being cold.
39. when i watch a movie in the movie theatre my feet have to be up. even if it isn't a scary movie. they cannot be on the floor.
40. being scared is my worst. especially when someone scares me. when i scare myself it is different. getting scared by someone is the worst. ever.
41. watching people get scared is one of my favorite things. as long as it isn't me. see above.
42. i have a mallet finger. compliments of my dear friend ms. hannah walker.
43. you will never guess where i am most ticklish.
44. i take the longest showers in the world. deal with it.
45. i'm not even mad.
46. i hate when you make something up with your friends, then some people over hear it and say it to someone else when you are there and say that they made it up. come on people. be origional.
47. i am almost 20 and not married or pregnant. unlike the majority of the people i went to school with.
48. if given the choice, i would choose glasses over contacts everytime.
49. LOST is the best show on tv. don't even try to tell me differently.
50. i hate the smell of new shoes. and old ones.
51. my heart is currently in ottawa, canada.
52. i love birthdays. yours, mine, ours. whenever it is, live it up. it is your day.
53. i do what i want. it may not be what you want. but it is what i want and i'll do it.
53. i can't wait. but i have to. but i don't want to. but i have to. so i will.
54. when i wake up scared in the night i sing "the jetsons" theme song over and over til i fall back asleep. meet george jetson....
55. unfortunately i am one of those people the suffers from migrain headaches. don't ask me how it is. if you don't know, you don't want to.
56. i am terrible at putting away my clothes after i wash them. i always wait at least a couple of days before even thinking about putting them away.
57. i don't feel bad for homeless people. sorry. i just can't. -no. i will not give them my money. why don't they go out and get a job? if they can afford those cigarettes they can afford some food.
58. i still have all my barbies from when i was a little girl. they are in terrible condition. but i have them.
59. i love rings. they are my favorite piece of jewelry. except for my locket.
60. sewing is one of my most favorite things. sewing without a pattern and making this up as they go is even better.
61. i love music.
62. if i could i would be a tree photographer. i love trees. they way they are shaped. how they are so huge. and that each one is different. how you can climb one and see for miles. or climb another an only be a few feet from the ground. i think they are beautiful.
63. tiffani herpel is my buckaroo. and soon to be sister buckaroo.
64. according to krista smith i am a princess. i believe her.
65. i am not a envious person, but there are so many things i wish i could do as well as others.
66. writing letters is one of my most favorite things to do. and getting letters is even better.
67. christmas time is my favorite time of the year. mostly because i love christmas music.
68. i love around christmas time when there are little kids around and all the older kids pretend like they still believe in santa claus so that they don't spoil it for the little kids. they are just so careful about what they say.
69. i am an aunt 9 times. such a blessing.
70. i have a great deal of love for the porter family.
71. i will dominate you at scrabble. if you don't believe me, get a board. we'll make bet on it.
72. sometimes i wish i lived by the beach. not for the water. just for the sand. i love the way it feels between my toes.
73. i have an immense fear of clowns. don't laugh. it isn't funny.
74. sometimes i make my own shirts. they are pretty cool. i could make you one. if you really wanted me to.
75. i am the branches. he is the roots. together we are the tree.
76. live music is inspiring.
77. i have no idea what i want to be when i grow up. i don't feel the pressure to make a decision. not yet. not now.
78. my hair is curly-ish. if you are jealous of me. get over it. you would get sick of it too.
79. i don't have any regrets. only because every decision has led up to this very moment. and this moment, is wonderful.
80. camping is only considered camping if you are in a tent. on the ground. with only a few inches of foam between you and dirt.
81. deseret industries in my favorite store.
82. i drink an entire waterbottle every night. during the night. i am not at all conscious of this happening, but it happens. everytime.
83. i always brush my teeth in the shower. and get tooth paste all over the place.
84. i love school supplies.
85. there are times when i question things in my life. but then i realize that everything happens for a reason and life is unexpected.
86. i watched "chitty-chitty bang bang" for the first time three weeks ago. it was an ok show. but i hated truly scrumptious' voice.
87. i hate when people talk during movies. especially when it is a movie that you really like and they are laughing and making fun of everything. ahh! shut it!
88. i love the sound of babies laughing. and the smell of their little round heads.
89. i keep too many things that i know i am going to throw away later, but at the time, i think that i am going to keep them forever and ever. but really, i won't.
90. i haven't been up this late in a long time.
91. i wish i knew how to rollerskate.
92. i am too tired.
93. if the world was being attacked by zombies i would live in costco. they have everything you could ever need.
94. write, write, read, pray. i do it every day.
95. i wish i was one of those people that just said whatever i wanted whenever i wanted.
96. i am told i have a hat head. i don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
97. i belong to the church of jesus christ of latter day saints.
98. if i could i would be outside all the time. but i'm sure after being outside all the time i would change my mind and want to come back inside.
99. black and white photos are my favorite. i love the contrast of colors.
100. i need to go to bed.

misery.

today i said goodbye.
to something that i hated.
but at the same time was so comfortable with.
today i said so long.
to so many people that i have gotten to know so well.
but at the same time have no real idea of who they really are.
today i said adios.
to a job that was taking me no where.
but at the same time giving me more than i worked for.
today i said see you later.
to people that i won't see later.
but at the same time hope to run into someday.
today i said bon voyage.
there was no celebration.
no send off.
just a regular day.
and a goodbye.
forever.

sea of time.

he is the sun.
she is the moon.
together they are the sky.
he is the leaves.
she is the stem.
together they are the plant.
he is the paper.
she is the words.
together they are the book.
he is the feathers.
she is the wing.
together they are the bird.
he is the camera.
she is the film.
they are the photograph.
he is the waves.
she is the tide.
together they are the sea.
he is the branches.
she is the roots.
together they are the tree.

waves to keep us rocking. tide to bring us back from sea.
roots to keep us grounded. branches to set us free.

twist and shout.

kaelynn and i, as well as some others, went to disneyland yesterday. it was awesome. i don't think anyone is ever too young or old to enjoy a little taste of the happiest place on earth.






i must say i thoroughly enjoyed myself.

she's leaving home.

first she saw.
and then she heard.
the crash of the waves.
the calls of the birds.
first she saw.
and then she felt.
the heat of the sand.
the waves that melt.
first she saw.
and then she touched.
the waves that were cool.
the sand was too much.
first she saw.
and then she began.
to sink deeper and deeper.
into the sand.

hannaH and i.
we went to the rodeo.
we looked real good. in our boots and wranglers.

but were miserable. so very miserable.
we were not cut out to be cowgirls.
but you'd never know.

when i get home.

i.
i want to fly.
i want to fly away.
i want to soar.
i want to soar above the clouds.
i.
i want to sing.
i want to sing a song.
i want to belt.
i want to belt a ballad for you.
i.
i want to be.
i want to be with you.
i want to hear.
i want to hear you sing.
i.
i want to feel.
i want to feel you around me.
i want to touch.
i want to touch your face.
i.
i will fly.
i will soar.
i will sing.
i will belt.
i will feel.
i will touch.

when i get home.
when you come home.
please. come home. to me.

tell me why.

why do the most unforunate things happen to the least deserving people?
why does he have to leave his wife and two boys behind? why do his little boys have to grow up without their father? why did it come back? why was it more aggressive? why did they tell him he was cured?
why did her baby have to leave this earth so soon? why did they not get a chance to meet him? why does he have to remain an only child? why did she have to be left feeling so empty?
why did he have to leave? why did his family have to suffer? why wasn't i in that car with them? why does it seem like he is still here, even though it has almost been a year?
why do i have so much, and they have so little? why do i have an education i take for grantid, and they have none, but want it more than anything? why do i have immunizations, shots, and pills, when they don't have clean water?
why did he walk out on his family for something "better"? why does she have to be the one that is hurting? why can't he see what he did wrong?
why can't the world be a brighter place? with no pain, sorrow, or suffering?
why can't we all change, the past, present, and future?

because.

do you want to know a secret.

my heart is far away from me.
i wish it was here with me.

to avoid feeling numb,
i sent it away.
will you keep it close?
will you keep it safe?

i got something in return.
it was your heart.
your feelings, your understanding.
i will keep it close.
i will keep it safe.

and when you return
we will make the exchange.
and perhaps sew the hearts together.
to avoid feeling numb.

birthday.

her name is lucy. she is brand new. she was born at 7:19 on wednesday may 21.
sometimes it is hard to believe how much a baby can change things. she is the 9th grandchild and my 6th niece. each time a new baby comes into my family i get this reassuring feeling that there must be something greater. there has to be someone watching out for all of us and sending this innocent little people into our lives. each time i see that brand new little baby, with those tiny fingers and toes, i can't help but think that they have a whole life ahead of them. that i am going to be a part of it and i need to be an example to them. each time i see a brand new little baby, i want to be a little bit better, stand a little taller, and become a little wiser. so that i can be the aunt that i want to be. this little girl, she turned my world upside down.

help!

the call. written by regina spektor before i could find the words. my thoughts. my feelings. my life. her words.

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and now one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

i will.

in no order in particular.

1. walk on the great wall of china.
2. go to the mount of olives.
3. take hundreds of photos of my family.
4. find something i am truly passionate about.
5. sew something amazing.
6. live outside of the united states.
7. be in four places at once.
8. become a mother.
9. be a better sister, daughter, aunt, and friend.
10. learn how to play an instrument.
11. sing in front of a croud.
12. make him laugh so hard he cries.
13. find out more about my family's history.
14. write a book. even if it's only for myself.
15. make my family proud of me.
16. dance in the rain. for real.
17. blow up one of my own photos large enough to cover an entire wall.
18. give more to those in need.
19. be loved unconditionally.
20. ride a tandem bike down a windy road that leads to a picnic and the rest of my life.
21. witness a child being born.
22. be asked how we met.
23. learn how to express myself and how i am really feeling when i am feeling it.
24. go to the oprah show.
25. skinny dip in the ocean.
26. get into a paint fight with my one and only while painting the rooms in the house we will start our family in.
27. fill my own house with love.
28. read the good book multiple times each year.
29. learn how to cook something amazing.
30. make a giant igloo and sleep in it.
31. donate my hair.
32. have a huge jewelery collection to leave for my daughters.
33. never go to bed angry.
34. sing on stage with my husband.
35. be funny.
36. sing my children to sleep and comfort them when they are scared.
37. have a collection of love letters from my husband for my children to read.
38. change someones life. and never know about it.
39. be a beautiful old person.
40. kiss on the top of the eiffel tower.
41. be in the right place at the right time.
42. be someones motivation for doing something extraordinary.
43. see the northern lights.
44. swim in the great barier reef.
45. change my last name.

to be continued. with things bigger and better.

yes it is.

the outline for this was stolen from the blog of one ms. tiffani herpel. she is my buckaroo.

3 joys

1. my family.
2. my seven greatest wonders.
3. my life.

3 Fears

1. to miss out.
2. to lose.
3. to regret.

3 Goals

1. go to china.
2. get a degree.
3. change my last name.

3 Obsessions/Collections

1. letters. writing and receiving.
2. vintage dresses. from di.
3. writing.

3 Random Facts About Me

1. i brush my teeth in the shower. all the time. and just let the toothpaste go all over.
2. i mail a letter to canada every tuesday. today it cost me 96 cents. i feel i'm going to be poor when two years is over.
3. i have a really big bed. if you ever want to come sleep in it just let me know.

here, there and everywhere.

i talked on the phone, for longer than i should have. i should have let him go. and not talked for so long. but i couldn't say goodbye. at least not yet. it wasn't time. and really, it wasn't goodbye. i have already said goodbye. this was just a "talk to you later." because i will. talk to him later. and then later after that, and after that, he will be here. next to me. and there will be no need to say goodbye.
there are times when i wish he was here with me. but i know he is where he should be. i know he is doing what he should be doing. and more importantly, he is where the Lord needs him to be. there are days and years and decades to come. but these two years he is away are not about him, or me, or his family. they are about the Lord, and His people. i don't know how i got so lucky to have a man like him in my life. i have been blessed beyond imagination.
it was better than i had imagined it would be. i was so nervous, but as soon as i picked up the phone and heard him say my name, i knew there was no reason to be.
we talked about everything that came into our minds. even the things that are complete nonsense and don't have any importance at all. but every moment was something i will never forget. to hear him talk and know that he is the same person that i said goodbye to four and a half months ago. to know that he is going to be the same person when he comes back. just a little bit wiser and little bit older.
it was so refreshing. to hear his voice and to hear his laughter. he is changing. not only the lives of the people he meets, but he is growing up. and i am here, trying to grow up, and not having any real affect on anyone. i want to be a person that changes lives. that feels a change and sees a change come about because of my example. it is a truly extraordinary thing, and beyond rewarding. to give someone the gift of eternal life. that, is truly remarkable.
he is a blessing. not only to me, but to so many other people. he is hundreds of miles away. but really, he is here, with me. i can feel him. he is here. he is there. he is everywhere. he laughed when i laughed. he smiled when i smiled. he knows how i feel. i know how he feels. and together we are going to conquer the world.

i'm so tired.

it's sunday morning and i'm sitting in my bed thinking about the previous night and the dreams that went with him. i sit here looking at pictures of a man that is so far away, but so close to me at the same time. i sit here listening to hannah breath deeply as she sleeps next to me. i don't want to wake her with my typing. i sit here wondering if it is warm outside or if it is winter again. i await getting reading for the day and traveling southward for the blessing of the newest member of my family, little baby norah. i sit here thinking about how quickly time is passing and wondering where i'll be at the end of all of it.
i sit here thinking that in a week i will be talking to someone i love after almost four months of waiting. i sit here thinking that i need to change things up, i need to get a new frame, take some more pictures, and decorate the bare white walls that surround me. i sit here thinking about all the good times that go along with the few pictures that decorate the walls. high school was the best time of my life and with the best friends i could have asked for. but what comes next? surely there is so much more. i have so much to look forward to and so much that is yet to happen. i sit here thinking about all the is so come and the experiences i am going to have.
i sit here thinking about how much i have grown in the past two years and how much i will change in the next two. will i be better? or will i be the same? i hope to be: better, stronger, faster, friendlier, smarter, funnier, brighter, prettier, deeper, happier, wiser, more spiritual, more exciting, more kind, more understanding, more outgoing, more carefree, more spontaneous, more of an example, etc...etc.
i sit here thinking that i want to be so much, and even the smallest amount of change can make a world of a difference, so what is keeping me from changing?
fear? yes. no. maybe.
it doesn't matter, really. i just need to get over whatever it is, or could be, that is keeping me from becoming who i want to be.
this is the start of a new and better me.

come together.

this past weekend i traveled northward to spend some time with the great friend of mine. her name is hannah claire walker. and we met when she crushed my finger on new years eve two years ago.
since then it has been she and i, joined at the hip. til she moved away to college.
finally at the end of her first and only year at usu, i went up to see her.
our adventures include the following:
there was hanging around and sleeping, last days of work and wanting to dance, breath taking sunsets and bitter cold nights, traveling to preston and bowling, singing to fight! and colbie callait, riding the shuttle and going to class, the quad and hazels bread, pepperidge farms and deseret industries, lunch with a long lost friend, dinner with wendy and children, brown eggs from real chickens, old rusty tractors and photographs,
giant teather balls and 7 lb bowling balls, sinks full of icecream then feeling sick, bon fires and a guy burning his hair off, box elder bugs and ant guts, milano cookies and rice a roni, weird roommates and normal ones, girlmore girls and pearl harbor, no internet connection and no mail, sleepovers in the front room, sleepovers with no blanket and wet hair, drunk gay men and men that used to be women, graduation parties and bridal shower gifts, bandaids and mascara, driving through a blizzard to get there, and driving home with the air conditioner blasting.
i must say it was quite the weekend.

and i have great friends.

she said she said.

yesterday, i recieved a letter. a letter that was unexpected. a letter from a person that has changed me in ways that are unimaginable. this person has only been in my life for just over a year, but within that year i have learned more about myself than i have in all the years previous. this person has blessed my life in ways that i never expected. this person has a spirit that soars above all others. this person has been the change in the world for so many people, including myself.
she said. she said. so many things, that i found hard to believe. she said. she said. so many things that brought me to tears. she said. she said. too many things that are only evident because of her.
she is amazing.
she is one of my best.
she is the inspiration.
she is the one and only.


tiffani herpel.

the word.

what is a word exactly? and who is to say that a "word" is spelled wrong.
words aren't said correctly to begin with, so how can they be "spelled" wrong.
what do you mean? you ask.
i mean, that words don't make sense. for example: zenon or sychology? no- xenon or psychology.
it doesn't make any sense.
words are words. and no one ever says them how they sound. i just don't get it.
i luff ewe.
you are hawt. it is hawt outside.
you are kewl. et cetera. et cetera.

yesterday.

it snowed.
i got a letter. the heavens opened.
i read the letter. my eyes watered like rain falling from the sky.
i finished the letter. my heart soared.
i read the letter.
it snowed.
i soared.

cry baby cry.

i see you less.
i miss you more.
i see you more.
i miss you less.
right?

or.

i see you less.
i miss you less.
i see you more.
i miss you more.
right?

none this makes sense. in the end, i always end up missing.
but what is it that i'm missing?
it's nothing i need.
it's something i see.
i feel what i need.
and only need one thing:
to feel.

good day sunshine.

it's eighty degrees and sunny and no need for a jacket. and of course, today is one of those days when i am stuck inside all day and have no chance of being able to enjoy it. good thing eighty degrees and sunny lasts a whole season long.
the sun brings a new day, a new world, a new life. everyday is a new day to live. live as big as you want, or as big as you can without taking up too much space.
take a minute to enjoy the flowers that are beginning to bloom. take a minute to sit upon the fresh green grass. take a minute to bask in the sunlight and feel the cool breeze blow through your hair. take a minute to give thanks, to the world, for giving you this new day to live.